Picture me in 2016, sipping lukewarm coffee, when a wide-eyed startup founder slides into my inbox. He’s got a “game-changer”—some app to sell artisanal beard oil subscriptions. I nod, half-listening, because after 30 years of web design, I’ve heard every pitch from “Uber for cats” to “blockchain bingo.” But this guy’s got cash upfront, so I’m in. Spoiler: my invoice outlasted his dream, and I’m still smirking about it. Here’s the dryly smug tale, plus how I spot the doomed and lock down my dough—because I don’t work for ghosts.

The Beard Oil Bubble: A Cautionary Comedy

This dude—let’s call him Chad—wanted a site that screamed “hipster luxury.” Think wood-grain textures, a mustache cursor, and a checkout that whispered “you’re better than Dollar Shave Club.” I built it in a week, fueled by spite and a leftover burrito. Charged him $4K, demanded half upfront, and watched him Venmo it faster than you can say “essential oils.” Three months later? Site’s live, he’s broke, and the domain’s a 404 graveyard. Turns out, beard oil’s not the goldmine Chad envisioned—shocking, I know.

The Smug Part: I Got Paid, He Got Played

Here’s where it gets good. While Chad’s chasing VC fairy dust, I’m cashing his check and moving on. His app flops—something about shipping costs and a TikTok ban—and he ghosts me mid-launch party. But my bank account? Untouched. I’d already invoiced the rest, and because I’m not an idiot, I’d baked in a “kill fee” clause. He paid to disappear; I got a bonus for his bad decisions. Moral? I’m not here to fund your midlife crisis—I’m here to profit from it.

Red Flags I Sniffed Out (and You Should Too)

Thirty years of this gig taught me to smell failure like a dog smells fear. Chad had the classics:

• “We’ll pay the rest after funding”—Translation: “We’re broke, but vibes!” Nope. Cash upfront or bust.
• Over-the-top branding hype—If they’re more excited about the logo than the revenue, they’re toast.
• “This’ll only take a day, right?”—Anyone who thinks web design’s a quickie hasn’t met a browser bug.

I saw the signs, set my terms, and slept easy while Chad’s dream drowned in patchouli debt.

How to Secure Your Cash Like a Pro

Want to outlive your clients’ flops? Here’s my playbook:

1. Upfront Money or No Honey—50% deposit, non-negotiable. I’ve got bills, not charity hours.
2. Kill Fees Are King—Slip in a cancellation clause. If they bail, you still eat. Mine’s 25% of the total—Chad paid it crying.
3. Short Leash, Big Stick—Set milestones, invoice fast, and don’t blink. Late payment? Pause the project and sip your coffee louder.

I’ve pulled this off dozens of times. Once, a “vegan leather” empire stiffed me mid-build—until I locked their staging site with a password they didn’t have. Guess who paid up?

The Parable’s Punchline

Chad’s beard oil bust is my victory lap. I made bank, he made headlines (in the “Failed Startups” subreddit), and my invoice’s still framed in my mind as a badge of foresight. Three decades in, I don’t mess around—I spot the wrecks, secure the checks, and laugh last. So, next time a dreamer pitches you their “disruptor,” smile, nod, and get the money upfront. Ghosts don’t pay, but I damn well do.