When Your Boss Has Whiskers and No Respect for Deadlines
We all imagined remote work would be a dream. No commute. No awkward small talk with Karen from HR. No more fighting for the last decent cup of coffee in the office kitchen. Instead, we found ourselves at the mercy of a ruthless, furry overlord: The House Cat.
Forget corporate politics—if you work from home and own a cat, you already know the real power struggle. This is a regime of dominance, enforced through keyboard takeovers, relentless Zoom bombing, and strategic displays of indifference.
My breaking point came last Monday when my cat, Chairman Meow, fired me.
The Hostile Takeover
The day started well enough. Coffee in hand, I sat at my desk, ready to power through a major deadline. But I made a fatal mistake—I did not immediately acknowledge the existence of His Majesty upon sitting down.
The response was swift and punitive. First, a casual stroll across the keyboard, introducing a string of incoherent gibberish into my report. Then, an aggressive push of my water glass—because hydration is clearly a sign of weakness. And finally, the pièce de résistance: The Sit-In.
A full-body sprawl across my laptop, an unmoving blockade. Not even bribery (treats) or threats (mildly shaking the desk) could dislodge him.
Chairman Meow had spoken—I was done for the day.
The New Office Hierarchy
As remote workers, we like to believe we have authority in our own home offices. We are mistaken.
Here’s how the real power structure breaks down:
- The Cat – Supreme ruler, enforcer of distractions, guardian of the keyboard.
- The Laptop – The throne upon which power is wielded.
- You – A lowly, disposable employee with delusions of control.
This, my friends, is why so many freelancers and remote workers find themselves hunched over kitchen counters, working from awkward corners of their homes, or whispering into AirPods in the bathroom while their cat peacefully naps on their desk—mocking them.
The Guide to Reclaiming Your Desk (Or At Least Negotiating A Ceasefire)
If you’re currently being oppressed by a feline dictator, consider the following strategies:
1. Establish Boundaries (That Will Be Ignored)
Create a designated cat-free zone in your workspace. A firm “no” accompanied by a gentle relocation of the offender may work—for roughly 30 seconds before they return, more determined than ever.
2. Bribe Shamelessly
A well-timed treat or a sprinkle of catnip on a different surface can buy you precious minutes of peace. But beware—this sets a dangerous precedent. You are now locked into an extortion racket.
3. Deploy the Fake Laptop
An old, non-functioning laptop placed next to your real one may act as a decoy. The cat, believing they have successfully blocked productivity, will sit on it with satisfaction. You may proceed—until they realize the deception.
4. Invest in a Heated Cat Bed
A plush, warm spot that rivals the heat of your keyboard can serve as an attractive alternative. Some cats, however, will see this as a test of dominance and sit on your laptop out of principle.
5. Accept Defeat and Bill for Emotional Labor
At some point, you must acknowledge the reality: You do not work from home. You live at work, and your supervisor is a demanding feline with no respect for deadlines. If all else fails, submit a formal complaint to HR (your dog, if you have one).
Conclusion: Resistance Is Futile
The truth is, your cat doesn’t care about your billable hours. They are unmoved by your deadlines, unimpressed by your productivity, and unwilling to acknowledge your authority. The only way forward is negotiation, distraction, or—let’s be honest—acceptance of your new role as a highly skilled but entirely replaceable minion.
And so, as I sit here, typing on a keyboard that is mostly unoccupied, I take solace in one small victory: Chairman Meow may have fired me, but at least I still get to work from home.
For now.
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